Cute Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 4

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
        — Woody Allen

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
        — Henny Youngman

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
        — Emo Philips

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
        — Steven Wright

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
        — Spike Milligan

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
        — Eric Morecambe

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
        — Tommy Cooper

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
        — Spike Milligan

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
        — Brendan Francis

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
        — A. Whitney Brown