Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes - Famous Quotes - Inspirational Quotes - Life quotes - Love Quotes - Movie Quotes - Quotation - Quotations - Sayings

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
        — Norm Crosby

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
        — George Bernard Shaw

You can't be a Real Country unless you have a Beer and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a Beer.
        — Frank Zappa

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it's a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
        — Scott Adams

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.
        — Dave Barry

You only have to do a very few things right in your life so long as you don't do too many things wrong.
        — Warren Buffett

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
        — Samuel Levenson

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.
        — Mark Twain

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
        — Groucho in Duck Soup

You can't have everything... where would you put it?
        — Steven Wright